Change.

If I were to hear that word and immediately start brainstorming, the list would look something like this: panic, regret, anxiety, nerves, sadness, bittersweet, constant, and unfortunately, part of life.  

But, being the freaky English major that I am, I probably would've gone through the list and narrowed it down, then selected the word that was most promising.  And you know what that word is?  Bittersweet.

Change is bittersweet.  I will never forget hearing my sister Heather say, "I don't ever want Carter to grow! I want him to stay as little as he is right now."  But, still, everyday Carter changes.  One day he started smiling voluntarily.  Then he started to laugh.  Now he can sit up by himself! And someday, he will grow up entirely.  He will be walking and talking and going to school-- and there's no way anyone can change that.  And even though Heather will probably always long for the time that Carter was young again, she will still be glad that he changed.  'Cause then she never would've seen him smile, or laugh, or get his first teeth.

Just like I never wanted to graduate from high school and move away from home, just like I never wanted to stop dancing and start getting old, change has been bittersweet for me as well.  But, it still happened. It's always happening.  And we need to find ways to appreciate it-- or else we could waste every day wishing things would stay they were, until one day we wake up realizing that they never can.

So, while I respect the power of change, knowing that it still comes to me in moments when I feel like I've missed a step down the stairs, I am also grateful to say that I am glad for it.  Without change, we could not change.  And where would we be then?

For over almost three years, I struggled with self-confidence.  Some might call it depression, others might just say I was delusional.  Either way, it was a problem and it was real to me.  It gave me the inability to be completely happy.  I struggled and struggled and thought I could never change.  I finally came to a point when I "realized" that my sadness was just a part of my personality.  I just wasn't a fun person and I wasn't ever going to be one.  

And then, something changed.  I changed. Somehow I was able to let go of my inhibitions and become the Jessica I've wanted to be for so long. What changed? I am happy.  Truly, genuinely, completely happy.  I wake up in the morning feeling like every day is a gift.  It feels like my life's on fire;  I'm appreciating my world and my life in a way I never have before.  And I love it.  It is proof to me that miracles can and do happen.  And I will completely acknowledge that this miracle was given to me from God-- no question.  There is absolutely no way I could've made this change on my own.  I am truly humbled and eternally grateful for God's unending love and mercy.  Without that, I would still be left to wonder why and where my life went so terribly wrong.

So, I am grateful to change.  Because it means that I can change.  Change can be a gift to make us better.  Change means that even though we are imperfect, even though we make mistakes, we can become better.  We can all CHANGE. Change happens to us, even if we aren't ready for it or we don't want it to; change will inevitably come.  So let yourself make the changes, as much as you can.  Then change will stop being this inevitable, all-powerful, destructive force that leaves nothing but a trail of regret in its wake. If we let ourselves make the changes, our lives will be full of hope and opportunity--not disappointment and regret.